Confusion

Wow,

I don't know why I do things like this. I feel and say I want to be in a relationship and everything goes good for awhile and then BAM! I throw up these walls and never let anyone completely in. I don't know why I do. I am so confused and I think I just need to be alone long enough to figure out why.

I don't like hurting people by the barriers I put up but I do and I don't feel good about it. I hurt my ex by saying I wanted to be with him after all the hell we went through. Then I hurt Miah.. I told him I would let him in but my heart is just not ready.

Miah and I got together after I broke up with my ex about a month and a half ago. I knew it was to fast I knew I wasn't ready but he kept pushing for it and pushing for it and I just finally gave in thinking it was what I wanted.

Miah is such an amazing guy and I don't know why I just cant open my heart to him. Him and I get a long so good and we are great together.. but I just am not ready for any type of commitment this soon. I just got out of a three year hell of a relationship and my heart hasn't healed from it just yet.

I still miss my ex and how we used to be and I know its not good to look at the past but I have to come to terms with it. I am so confused on what I need to do.. and the only thing I can come up with is be alone and focus on my son and I.

I do want a loving, amazing relationship but I just need my time and space right now.

I am sorry Miah.. I am not asking you to wait for me because any girl would be lucky to have you. I just need the time I never got being apart from my ex. I need a breather. I don't need to rush into anything right now.. But if you do wait for me it will be worth it.. Please just do what you need to do to be happy.