Love is war

I am always finding myself here. Ya I love him but is that enough to stay and be yelled at? Miah yelled at me to.. why must men yell.. I miss days Hunter would never yell at me.. I was his babe and he was mine and we respected each other. Now I don't feel like we respect each other.  We are already holding on a tiny thread and when we have our down times I feel that thread is going to be cut in half. Idk if I made the right choice in leaving miah.. miah did respect me and did what he could but hunter has done the same to..  maybe I should let these two men go so they can find what they are looking for. I am tired of the love game and I don't know how much longer I can do it. I want to hold on and be strong but I also am tired of being hurt and lied to. Idk what I will do. Sophie is on her way and she will be here in a month or sooner if she decides to keep giving me contractions. And I know I won't want to be alone with a new baby to take care of.. I feel awful that she won't have a consistent father in her life and I feel like that's my fault. I am sorry Sophie... and My Mason.. he deserves only the best but I haven't gave that to him and he has been with me on this hell of a journey and I feel its my fault that I am here once again feeling stuck.  I am sorry my children.  I am hoping to get a career where I won't have to depend on anyone financially but myself. So I can take care ofy kids give them what they need and things that they want and not having to deal with the stress of someone else unless that someone else is gonna be the one I am meant to be with... but my grandma is alone..my mother is now getting a divorce after 9 years of marriage..maybe the women in my family are destined to be alone. I wish I could be the break in the chain but idk if I will be.. I am going to try.

Alone is the place I only know as home.

So I realize I have a lot of fucked up issues and I am always swimming through the pool of depression. I am always trying to fight off the attacks of emotional thoughts. Lately I have been wishing I wasn't alive. I am fading back into the darkness I once left years ago. I am fading everyday when I am trying so hard not to. How did I get here? Why must I make choices on impulse all the time? I know I didn't have positive role models growing up and I try not to use that as an excuse but damn... its hard. Why am I here on this earth? I am not wanted anywhere I go. I don't feel loved I feel used.

Alone is the only place I am

Sophie is going to be born soon and everything is messed up between her dad and I. And I only have myself to blame. I couldn't let go of Hunter and move on with Miah. It just didn't feel right in my heart. Now I am left wondering what will happen now.. what will happen when she is born?

Idk but I am sad. I feel helpless because I can't work full time right now and get things going for my kids and I. I just want to run away and never come back. I hate this place. I hate all the faces I just want to leave.

No matter what way I go whether its with miah or with hunter or alone... I am never happy. Idk I am tired of life dragging me down. When will it end?