Love is war

I am always finding myself here. Ya I love him but is that enough to stay and be yelled at? Miah yelled at me to.. why must men yell.. I miss days Hunter would never yell at me.. I was his babe and he was mine and we respected each other. Now I don't feel like we respect each other.  We are already holding on a tiny thread and when we have our down times I feel that thread is going to be cut in half. Idk if I made the right choice in leaving miah.. miah did respect me and did what he could but hunter has done the same to..  maybe I should let these two men go so they can find what they are looking for. I am tired of the love game and I don't know how much longer I can do it. I want to hold on and be strong but I also am tired of being hurt and lied to. Idk what I will do. Sophie is on her way and she will be here in a month or sooner if she decides to keep giving me contractions. And I know I won't want to be alone with a new baby to take care of.. I feel awful that she won't have a consistent father in her life and I feel like that's my fault. I am sorry Sophie... and My Mason.. he deserves only the best but I haven't gave that to him and he has been with me on this hell of a journey and I feel its my fault that I am here once again feeling stuck.  I am sorry my children.  I am hoping to get a career where I won't have to depend on anyone financially but myself. So I can take care ofy kids give them what they need and things that they want and not having to deal with the stress of someone else unless that someone else is gonna be the one I am meant to be with... but my grandma is alone..my mother is now getting a divorce after 9 years of marriage..maybe the women in my family are destined to be alone. I wish I could be the break in the chain but idk if I will be.. I am going to try.

Alone is the place I only know as home.

So I realize I have a lot of fucked up issues and I am always swimming through the pool of depression. I am always trying to fight off the attacks of emotional thoughts. Lately I have been wishing I wasn't alive. I am fading back into the darkness I once left years ago. I am fading everyday when I am trying so hard not to. How did I get here? Why must I make choices on impulse all the time? I know I didn't have positive role models growing up and I try not to use that as an excuse but damn... its hard. Why am I here on this earth? I am not wanted anywhere I go. I don't feel loved I feel used.

Alone is the only place I am

Sophie is going to be born soon and everything is messed up between her dad and I. And I only have myself to blame. I couldn't let go of Hunter and move on with Miah. It just didn't feel right in my heart. Now I am left wondering what will happen now.. what will happen when she is born?

Idk but I am sad. I feel helpless because I can't work full time right now and get things going for my kids and I. I just want to run away and never come back. I hate this place. I hate all the faces I just want to leave.

No matter what way I go whether its with miah or with hunter or alone... I am never happy. Idk I am tired of life dragging me down. When will it end?

"You know this will always be your home"

Words that I have always longed to hear from my father.. I was watching twilight breaking dawn and this is what Charlie told Bella. It makes me sad because my father wants the exact opposite.  He doesn't want me around and he never has told me i have a home to go to. It hurts me because he helped bring me into this world and he doesn't want nothing to do with me. Idk I guess I feel that every child is bonded with their parents whether they know them or have known them but they aren't in their life. In my experience everytime I think of my relationship with my father I get a stinging pain in my heart. It saddens me because I have tried to have a relationship but he never wants to help me keep up that relationship and its mostly because he doesn't care. He doesnt care and that is what really hurts.. I am his only daughter and I just wonder why I get treated like I do like i did something bad to him. Idk its something that has conflicted my whole life. I just wish I could move on with my life not ever letting this affect me. Maybe someday it won't.

Confusion

Wow,

I don't know why I do things like this. I feel and say I want to be in a relationship and everything goes good for awhile and then BAM! I throw up these walls and never let anyone completely in. I don't know why I do. I am so confused and I think I just need to be alone long enough to figure out why.

I don't like hurting people by the barriers I put up but I do and I don't feel good about it. I hurt my ex by saying I wanted to be with him after all the hell we went through. Then I hurt Miah.. I told him I would let him in but my heart is just not ready.

Miah and I got together after I broke up with my ex about a month and a half ago. I knew it was to fast I knew I wasn't ready but he kept pushing for it and pushing for it and I just finally gave in thinking it was what I wanted.

Miah is such an amazing guy and I don't know why I just cant open my heart to him. Him and I get a long so good and we are great together.. but I just am not ready for any type of commitment this soon. I just got out of a three year hell of a relationship and my heart hasn't healed from it just yet.

I still miss my ex and how we used to be and I know its not good to look at the past but I have to come to terms with it. I am so confused on what I need to do.. and the only thing I can come up with is be alone and focus on my son and I.

I do want a loving, amazing relationship but I just need my time and space right now.

I am sorry Miah.. I am not asking you to wait for me because any girl would be lucky to have you. I just need the time I never got being apart from my ex. I need a breather. I don't need to rush into anything right now.. But if you do wait for me it will be worth it.. Please just do what you need to do to be happy.